5 Things You Never Want To Hear At A Party

Apoligies in advance for sounding like the Grinch.

1) Marvin Gaye – ‘Let’s Get It On’

I actually quite like this song but it’s an absolute death knell for a party. As a warning to any females, when this starts getting played head for the doors – the six-can Lotharios are on the prowl. It officially means boys have run out of ideas.

I hate it because it means, even if you wanted to put on some soul music and get heel-toeing, you can’t because you’d just look like one of those dicks.

2) Panic! At The Disco – ‘I Write Sins Not Tradgedies’

This one’s easy. This song seemed to haunt certain parties in my younger more carefree days. It was an absolutely cringe-inducing nightmare which just didn’t seem to go away.

I can distinctly remember a certain 18th birthday party where this was getting pumped out of a 2 kW sound system. The party got an ASBO. I’d like to think the neighbours only phoned the police after this got dropped.

There’s definitely a very special place in hell reserved for PATD for taking the title of a Smiths track for themselves and using it for such insipidness.

Here it is if you must :

3) Glasvegas or anything that makes people put on THAT accent

We’ve all seen it. One too many cans of Stella and people want to start trawling the gutturals to sound as ‘Scottish’ as possible. Important thing to remember here is that you’re not from Glasgow so don’t try and sound or sing like you are.

This problem is usually exacerbated by the presence of non-Scots, with people evidently needing to make it depressingly clear where they’re from by using Chewin’ The Fat pronunciations.

4) DMX – ‘Party Up In Here’

Fair play, I’m all cool with throwing out some ironic gun signs now and again…but just not to this. Again, this song just brings back horrid memories of a certain time in Aberdeen where this came on and boys thought they were coming straight out of The Wire. Roasters.

5) Anything classed as ‘post-dubstep’

I’m usually quite a liberal, non-judgemental kind of guy but I’m just having absolutely fucking none of this. We live in Scotland not Shoreditch – it doesn’t wash.

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